A Very Carrie Christmas
Directed By: Richard Correll -- Written By: R. Lee Flemming Jr. -- Air Date: December 11, 1998
Transcribed By: twoofakind
[Scene 1: Burke's House -- Living Room]
(Carrie is sitting on the sofa wrapping Christmas presents for her parents. Mary-Kate and Ashley enter.)
Ashley: Finally! Christmas vacation! We made it!
Mary-Kate: Two weeks with no school, no teachers, and no homework.
Ashley: We've got homework?
Mary-Kate: Yeah, but I'm not gonna do it for two weeks! (looks at backpack) See ya!
Ashley: Hey Carrie, are those the presents you're sending home to your mom and dad?
Carrie: Yeah. I got my mom this great cookbook and I got my bad this travel pillow.
Mary-Kate: Those aren't going to break. What's all the bubble wrap for?
Carrie: Oh, that's just for me, I am addicted to this stuff!
Kevin: (enters) Hey, everybody! Hi!
Carrie: Hey, Professor, how does it feel to finally be on vacation?
Kevin: Well, I'll let you know when I'm actually on vacation. I still have 180 exams to grade, half my Christmas shopping to do, and a house to decorate.
Carrie: Well, you know, I'm going to be in town over the holidays, maybe I could help you out.
Kevin: Great! I need these exams by Tuesday.
Carrie: Excellent. Is mine in here.
Kevin: (taking exams back) Maybe some help around the house will be fine. (takes off coat) Now, normally, I go all out for the holidays, but this year, things are just getting away from me. I haven't even worn my reindeer hat yet.
Mary-Kate: Dad, can Carrie come to dinner on Christmas Eve?
Carrie: Oh, thanks you guys, but I've already made dinner plans.
Kevin: Well, bring a friend! C'mon, there's always plenty of food.
Carrie: Well, okay, but only if I help with the cooking.
Kevin: Great. (spots bubble wrap) Ooh! Bubble wrap!
Carrie: (grabs it quickly) Ah, stop! Get your own!
(Everyone lunges for it)
(Carrie laughs as they try and take it from her)
Carrie: You guys!
[Scene 2: Burke's House -- Living Room]
(Mary-Kate and Ashley are sitting on the sofa reading a magazine when the doorbell rings. Ashley gets up and peeks behind the curtain to see who's at the door.)
Ashley: (freaking out) Oh my gosh! It's Taylor! Don't let him leave! I'm gonna see if we have some mistletoe!
(Mary-Kate lets Taylor in)
Taylor: Hey, Mary-Kate. Your dad said he'd left a check for me. Kind of a Christmas bonus, I guess.
Mary-Kate: (awkwardly) Oh, check? Come on in! (pretending to be oblivious) Now it's gotta be around here somewhere...
Taylor: Maybe it's in that envelope that says "Taylor's Christmas Bonus"?
Mary-Kate: Possibly! Let me ask Ashley. (yelling into kitchen) Ashley! Is the envelope that says "Taylor" on it for Taylor? 'Cause if it is, he's gonna take it and leave!
Taylor: I'm guessing it is!
Ashley: (running in) Taylor! I'm glad you're here! Um, would you hang this on the door for me? I would it myself, but I'm not... tall... and strong, like you.
Taylor: (hangs it) There you go.
Ashley: You do realize what we're standing under?
Taylor: Yeah. Spinach. You know, if we had mistletoe, we could've kissed under here. See ya!
[Scene 3: Christmas Tree Shopping]
(Mary-Kate, Ashley, Carrie, and Kevin are looking for a Christmas tree.)
Kevin: Are you sure about this place? I mean, I always get my tree around the corner at Ho Ho Harry's! It's tradition!
Mary-Kate: Dad, you always complain that he rips you off!
Kevin: It's part of the tradition!
Carrie: Come on, Professor. This lot is run by the rescue mission! The money goes to the homeless!
Kevin: Okay. Well, could we hurry? I've got a lot of exams to grade.
Carrie: You, sometimes, you have just got to stop and smell the evergreens.
Kevin: (sniffing closest tree) Okay. Let's get this one.
Ashley: Dad, we're here to shop. Come on, Mary-Kate.
(Ashley and Mary-Kate walk away. Carrie goes to find a Christmas tree.)
Father Conrad: Carrie?
Father Conrad: Hi!
Carrie: Father Conrad! Merry Christmas to you! (as Kevin approaches) This is Kevin. Kevin, Father Conrad.
Father Conrad: Oh, hi, Kevin! It's so nice of you to come out and help the mission. Can you believe some people go to Ho Ho Harry's?
Kevin: He's such a rip off.
Father Conrad: At least when we rip you off, it's for charity. Have fun! (walks away)
Carrie: Thank you, merry Christmas!
Ashley: Hey! How about this one?
Mary-Kate: It's perfect!
Kevin: Let me see.
Carrie: Okay, let's check it out.
Carrie: Well, I guess, if you want a tree that's tall, round, and perfectly shaped.
Kevin: These in your mind, are negative qualities?
Carrie: No, but it's kind of a tradition of mine to find a lonely tree and turn it into a work of art.
Kevin: No, it's not!
Ashley: Come on, Dad. I mean, maybe Carrie's right. I hate to think of this tree here, all alone on Christmas.
Mary-Kate: Shivering in the cold... with no one to love it. Ashley, hold me!
Kevin: All right, if that's what you want.
Kevin: Can we stick it in the back so the neighbor's don't see it?
Carrie: Come on you guys, let's go find a wreath.
Kevin: Here's a crazy idea. How about a round one?
(Carrie glares at him and Kevin takes the tree and walks away)
Carrie: Hey! Walter!
Carrie:How're you doing?
Walter: We've missed you down here helping out at the shelter lately. How'd your finals go?
Carrie: Uh, I'll know in about a week. How's the job search coming?
Walter: Eh, we're still working on it. Gotta go! I've got a costumer. (walks over to Kevin) Load that on top of the truck!
Kevin: Oh, th-thanks, but I think I can handle it myself.
Walter: Oh, it's no problem, that's what I'm here for!
(Walter almost drops the tree.)
Walter: Oh, you've got a train for perfecting that!
Kevin: Let me give you a hand with that. Okay, there you go.
Kevin: Eh. Thanks. Uh, here. (hands him some money)
Walter: Ah. Thank you sir. (starts to walk away)
Kevin: Uh, excuse me sir. Aren't you gonna tie it down?
Walter: Nah. Just drive slow. (spotting someone else) Oh! You want some help putting that on your car, sir!
[Scene 4: Outside Burke House]
(Kevin approaches the house but sees lights dangling all over the place. He tries to move them. Carrie opens the door.)
Carrie: How do you like the porch lights?
Kevin: Ho ho! Very... Vegas?
Carrie: Wait till you see what I've got inside.
(Carrie pulls him inside)
[Scene 5: Burke House -- Living Room]
Kevin: (in shock) Holy Hallmark!
Carrie: It's great, isn't it? These are decorations that I've picked up on my travels. (points) And this is my all-time favorite Santa. I got him at a garage sale outside Dustle-Dwarf.
(Carrie presses a button and the Santa starts humming Jingle Bells)
Kevin: Nothing says Christmas like a drunk Kris Kringle with gas!
Carrie: I knew you'd love it!
Kevin: Carrie, I-I knew you were gonna help with the decorating, but I didn't expect you to do it all.
Carrie: Well, no, me neither, but I had a couple of lattes and just went to town!
Paul: (entering) Hey, Carrie. I just finished putting the lights up out back. Hey, Professor.
Kevin: Paul. What're you doing here?
Paul:Oh, Carrie asked me over to help due to my impeccable good taste and fast holiday decorating expertise.
Carrie: Actually, Paul, I asked you because you're tall.
Paul: Oh. Well. Uh, there's that too. Oh, Professor, I hope you don't think my presence here is a cheap attempt to try and raise my grade on the science final.
Kevin: (sarcastically) Never even occurred to me Paul.
Paul: Well, good. Good. (hesitantly) I mean, it may be something to think about. You know, while your heart is gladdened by the twelve hundred Christmas lights I put up outside. Well, Merry Christmas.
Kevin: Merry Christmas.
Carrie: Merry Christmas, Paul. Thanks.
(Paul bangs his head on some lights when he tries to leave, but then makes it out the door.)
Kevin: Wow! It's hard to believe that this is the same tree I was hoping would fall off my car on the expressway! Where did all these gifts come from?
Carrie: Oh, from the list you gave me!
Kevin: You got everything on my list already?
Carrie: (hands him present) Oh! You like them?
Kevin: Oh, and you wrapped them too.
Carrie: Oh, well, the ribbon was there, the paper was there, I couldn't help myself.
Eddie: (enters carrying presents) You got enough lights on this house? Saw some kids out front trying to get a tan.
Kevin: Carrie did it.
Carrie: Oh, well, I'm gonna go help the girls. They're making egg knob. (goes into kitchen)
Eddie: Dude. Brought these over for you and the girls.
Kevin: Thanks, Eddie, I appreciate it.
Eddie: Hey, what's with you? No more of your jolly, ho ho Christmas freak. You know, by this time, we're usually wanting to deck you instead of the halls.
Kevin: I don't know, Eddie, look at this place! It looks great, but Carrie did everything. I didn't get to do a thing. I mean, she picked out our tree, she decorated it, she even did my Christmas shopping for me.
Carrie: (poking head in) Hey, come on you guys, you've gotta try this egg knob.
Eddie: Come on, Kev, you're gonna miss all the fun.
Kevin: I wouldn't wanna do that.
(They go into the kitchen. Kevin presses the singing Santa on the way out and it makes a noise.)
Kevin: Merry Christmas to you too.
[Scene 6: Burke House - Kitchen]
(Mary-Kate, Ashley, and Carrie are baking in the kitchen.)
Ashley: This is fun Carrie. I've never helped make Christmas Eve dinner before.
Carrie: Well you're doing a great job with this pie.
Mary-Kate: Yeah, no one heats up a frozen pie like Ashley.
(They walk over to the table when Kevin enters)
Mary-Kate: Hey, Dad.
Ashley: You've been shoveling the walk for an hour and a half.
Kevin: Yeah. It was worth the five dollars I didn't pay that kid. Well, smells great in here. Oh, is that stuffing, it's my favorite. What're those little slimy things.
Ashley: They're oysters.
Kevin: Okay, better question. What're those slimy little oysters doing in our stuffing?
Carrie: Well, I don't know. Maybe they're hitting on the raisons.
Ashley: Dad, it's Carrie's grandmother's recipe. It's delicious.
Kevin: (spotting something on table) Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's that?
Mary-Kate: Cranberry sauce.
Kevin: Oh, no. Cranberry sauce is a red gelatinous clump about yay high shaped like a can.
Carrie: (sarcastically) Oh, I didn't know you wanted the good stuff.
Kevin: It's just what I'm used to. I'm sure your homemade kind will be fine. Now, let me have that turkey. 'Cause Christmas Eve to me is carving the bird.
(Mary-Kate and Carrie give each other a look as Kevin takes up the pot and removes the lid to see the turkey already carved.)
Kevin: (shocked) You carved the turkey?
Carrie: Uh, um... (takes aluminum foil off of a tray, revealing sliced turkey) It came this way?
Kevin: (in shock) Where's the drumsticks? Where's the skin?
Ashley: We cut it off. Carrie said it's loaded with fat and carcinogens.
Kevin: Well of course it is! That's what makes it taste so good! (hesitates) Carrie, could I see you in the living room for just one moment please?
Carrie: (uncomfortably) Sure... sure... (to Mary-Kate and Ashley) Okay, you guys, see if you can dig the skin out of the garbage.
[Scene 7: Burke House -- Living Room]
(Carrie enters the living room where Kevin is standing.)
Carrie: Professor, you seem upset. Did I do something wrong?
Kevin: Not to seem ungrateful Carrie, but I want it back.
Carrie: Oh, yeah, I've got the girls working on the skin right now.
Kevin: No, I'm talking about my Christmas. This isn't how we celebrate it. I want normal stuffing, my decorations, a sober Santa, and I don't want anyone carving my turkey but me! I carve the turkey! Pop quiz: Who carves the turkey?
Carrie: You do!
Carrie: Professor, I was only trying to help. If you were unhappy, why didn't you say something?
Kevin: Because I happen to be an easy going guy.
Carrie: Yeah... you're right. I-I... now, I'm sorry. Sometimes, I get a little Christmas crazy. From now on, the holidays are all yours.
Kevin: Thank you.
(The doorbell rings and Kevin goes to answer it. Walter is there.)
Kevin: May I help you?
Walter: Yeah, I'm Walter from the Christmas tree lot.
Walter: Carrie invited me for dinner.
Kevin: She did?
Carrie: Yeah! Professor, remember you said I could bring a friend?
Kevin: I did, didn't I? Well, Walter, come on in. I'm Kevin. Any friend of Carrie's is a friend of... well, come on in! (shakes his hand)
Carrie: Walter was the first person I met when I started volunteering at the shelter.
Walter: Hey, a burping Santa! Geez, I love those! (starts to laugh)
Kevin: (fake laughing) Don't we all? Well, uh, let's go in to eat!
(They start to go into the kitchen, but as Walter leaves, Kevin stops Carrie.)
Kevin: Carrie, wait. When you said you were bringing over a friend, I thought you meant a neighbor or a classmate. Not ratso-rizzo!
Carrie: Professor, I am sorry, but don't you think it sets a good example for the girls if they see us reaching out to someone who has no where to go on Christmas?
Kevin: Well... (coming up with excuse) That turkey better not be dry.
(Carrie walks into the kitchen, clearly unpleased with Kevin's answer.)
[Scene 8: Burke House -- Kitchen]
(They're all at the table for Christmas dinner.)
Carrie: And Walter worked on a fishing boat off the coast of Alaska.
Kevin: What happened, did you get laid off?
Walter: Uh, no. I got tired of smelling like fish.
Walter: Kinda ruins your social life.
(They all laugh)
Ashley: So how'd you end up in Chicago?
Walter: I came out about two years ago to work in my buddy's diner. But it went out there. After that, my finances kinda dipleated.
Mary-Kate: Whoa, you've had it pretty rough Walter.
Walter: Nah. I know people who've had it much worse than me. In fact, being here with you tonight makes me feel pretty uh, blessed.
Carrie: Well we feel blessed to have you.
Walter: Ah, thanks Carrie. Uh, toast if I may.
(They all raise their glasses)
Walter: To uh, good people. And may I be fortunate enough to share with others the kindness and generosity you've shown me here tonight.
Kevin: Here, here.
(They all clink their glasses together.)
Kevin: That was very eloquent, Walter.
Walter: Thanks. Now where's the can?
Kevin: It's out there to the right.
Ashley: I think Walter's really nice.
Kevin: Carrie, I'm really glad you brought him to dinner tonight.
Carrie: So am I.
Eddie: (enters) Hey!
Eddie: Merry Christmas!
Ashley: Merry Christmas!
Carrie: Merry Christmas!
Carrie: Hey, Eddie!
Kevin: What're you doing here? I thought your whole family was at your mom's.
Eddie: They are. That's why I'm here. Twelve adults, sixteen kids, and one turkey. The fight over the drumsticks was particularly ugly.
Kevin: Well, I'm stuffed. Why don't we go into the living room and relax?
Mary-Kate: You relax. (getting excited) We'll open presents!
Eddie: Oh. Ho ho!
Ashley: Presents, ah!
(Mary-Kate and Ashley run into the living room.)
[Scene 9: Burke House -- Living Room]
(They all run over to the Christmas tree.)
Carrie: Presents, presents!
(They realize all the presents are gone.)
Ashley: Oh my God!
Mary-Kate: Where are all the presents?
Eddie: Hey, if this is some stunt to get out of giving me a present, I'm not falling for it.
Kevin: It's not a stunt, Eddie, someone stole all our gifts! (opens up front door to look)
Carrie: Walter?! (goes around corner) He's not here!
Ashley: They took Walter too?!
(Mary-Kate flicks Ashley across the head and Ashley gasps in pain.)
Eddie: Who's Walter?
Kevin: Oh, just a friend Carrie invited over to eat our food, share the spirit of Christmas, and rob us blind!
Carrie: I can't believe he would do this!
Eddie: I'll take care of it. One phone call and I can have a vigilante mob scouring the neighborhood within half an hour.
Kevin: Let your brothers finish their dinner, Eddie.
Eddie: You sure? This sorta thing could really make their holiday.
Kevin: We'll just let the police handle this.
Carrie: Wait a minute. By the time the police get here, Walter could be long gone.
Kevin: So I suppose you've got a better idea?
Carrie: He's been staying at the Tree Lodge. Maybe we went there we could find him or find someone who could tell us where to find him.
Ashley: Come on, Dad, it's worth a shot.
Mary-Kate: I say we call Eddie's brothers.
Eddie: (points at Mary-Kate) I'm with her.
Kevin: We are not calling Eddie's brothers. Come on, everybody, grab your coats. We're going to the Tree Lodge.
[Scene 10: Tree Lodge]
(Everyone arrives. A bunch of people are sitting around a camp fire.)
Ashley: Boy, what a strange place to celebrate Christmas.
Mary-Kate: At least they have presents.
Kevin: All right, if anyone sees Walter, let me handle this. Especially you, Eddie.
Carrie: I'm gonna look around and see if I can find him.
Eddie: I'll go with you.
(They all walk away.)
Little Girl: (opening present) Mom, check this sweater out! It's beautiful!
Mother: Merry Christmas, honey. (kisses little girl's forehead)
(Kevin, Ashley, and Mary-Kate are off in a corner.)
Ashley: Dad, that looks just like the shirt I bought you.
(They see someone opening up a shirt.)
Mary-Kate: (gasps) It is! Because those are the pants I bought you to go with it!
Eddie: (approaching with Carrie) Well, there's no sign of Walter or your presents.
Kevin: I think we know where our presents are. (nods towards people)
Carrie: Oh, those are the sweaters I got for the girls! Or, rather that you got for the girls.
Father Conrad: (approaching) Carrie, what're you doing here? Now, I saw that tree you bought. It's too late to return it.
Carrie: Father Conrad, we're actually here looking for Walter.
Kevin: See, the presents they're opening, they're hours.
Father Conrad: So you're the Burkes! God bless you! (to other people) Listen, everybody. These are the Burkes.
Father Conrad: You know, for a while I thought it was gonna be a pretty sad Christmas around here. Especially for the kids! And then Walter showed up with all these gifts you donated.
Eddie: (approaching) Hey, you know, Padre, that's a really nice story , but let me tell you something about your pal Walter.
Mary-Kate: (pushing Eddie aside) He's... a great guy.
Ashley: And because of him, all these people are having a better Christmas.
Mary-Kate: And we are too.
Father Conrad: Well I'm glad. It's getting cold out here. You all are welcome to join us around the fire for some hot cider.
Kevin: Thanks, Father.
Policeman: (approaching) Excuse me folks, did one of you just report a theft?
Eddie: I didn't, I swear.
Walter: (approaching) I called.
Walter: Sorry, Carrie, I know I ruined your Christmas. But then I saw all those presents under the tree and I thought about how little these people have. Well, I did a stupid thing.
Policeman #2: All right, sir. You're gonna have to come along with us.
Kevin: You know, wait a second officer. Walter only did what we asked him to do.
Walter: I did?
Kevin: Yes. Remember at the dinner table, we suggested that you share our Christmas with the people down here at the shelter? I mean, that's what Christmas is all about, right? Sharing.
Mary-Kate: So we just came down here to make sure everyone likes their presents.
Policeman: So let me get this straight. Walter, here, just turned himself in for a crime he didn't commit?
Kevin: That's pretty much the story.
Ashley: Uh huh.
(More adlib agreements)
Kevin: That makes sense right?
Policeman: Not really. But at least I don't have to make out a report. Merry Christmas.
Kevin: Merry Christmas.
Carrie: Merry Christmas.
(The two policemen walk away)
Father Conrad: Hey, come on, everybody! You're gonna miss out on all the cider!
(They all start to walk away, but Walter stops Kevin)
Walter: Hey! Listen, Professor, why didn't you turn me in?
Kevin: Because it's Christmas.
Walter: (shaking Kevin's hand) Merry Christmas.
(Kevin and Walter go and join everyone else.)
[Scene 11: Burke House -- Living Room]
(The Burkes and Carrie are sitting around.)
Carrie: You know, I have spent Christmas Eve in some pretty exotic locations. But tonight helped me remember that it's important to spend it with people you care about.
Ashley: I'm glad you're here. (hugs Carrie)
Mary-Kate: Me too. (joins hug)
Carrie: I just wish I had something to give you guys. Well, wait a minute. I do! I-I do! (takes ornament off tree) Ashley, this is for you. (takes ornament off tree) And Mary-Kate, this is for you.
Mary-Kate: Carrie, we couldn't.
Ashley: These are the ornaments you got in Bethlehem.
Carrie: You liked them, now they're yours. Merry Christmas.
Mary-Kate: Thank you.
Ashley: Thank you.
Carrie: And Professor!
Kevin: Oh, Carrie, you shouldn't.
Carrie: You.... (holds out the drunk Santa)
Kevin: I mean you really shouldn't.
Carrie: Oh, I thought you could put him on your desk at work!
(Carrie laughs and Kevin fake laughs)
Kevin: On my desk, under my desk, I'm sure we'll find a place for it.
Mary-Kate: Dad, we don't have a present for Carrie.
Kevin: Well that isn't entirely true. The one thing Walter didn't get away with. (picks up small box)
(Carrie reaches inside the box and takes out an ornament with her name on it)
Kevin: Everyone else in the family has an ornament on the tree. I thought you should too.
Carrie: Professor, I... I don't know what to say.
Kevin: Merry Christmas, Carrie.
Carrie: Merry Christmas. (hugs Kevin) Thank you. Thank you so much.
Ashley: Well go ahead. Put it on the tree.
(They walk over to the tree as Carrie puts the ornament on.)
[Scene 12: Burke House -- Living Room]
(Mary-Kate and Ashley are pretending to sleep while Kevin plays the piano and sings.)
Kevin: (singing) Sleep, in heavenly peace. (walks out)
Mary-Kate: Is he gone?
Ashley: Finally! I didn't know there were that many Christmas carols!
Mary-Kate: Let's get out of here before he comes back!
(Mary-Kate and Ashley run upstairs)
End of Show